As a child I recall getting on my knees every night as my mother would pray with me. I also recall childhood memories due to circumstances and experiences which left me feeling hurt, rejected and unloved. I grew up with a poor self-esteem, feeling that I had to win the approval of others. I realize how Satan had sown tares in my garden at such a young age. Matthew 13:27-28 says, ‘So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? He said unto them, An enemy hath done this….’ But now I have Jesus, my Saviour, and my Lord, who has saved my soul, touched me and made me whole. You see, I grew up in the church and I knew of Jesus, but I did not know him for myself.
In the past, I searched for love in all the wrong places. I recall my college days, going from ‘guy to guy’ looking for love. I wanted so desperately to hear a guy tell me that he loved me. I would hold on so tightly and push the guy away. I had a problem letting go, fearing that there wouldn’t be anyone better to come along. I would begin to say, ‘What is wrong with me?’ I had been rejected so much that I began to feel that something just wasn’t right about me. I was attracting guys that were bitter and hurt themselves.
During my last semester in college, I began to read the Bible more. My desires started to change. I began listening to more gospel music, and clubs did not have the same effect on me anymore. I knew I was changing. Jesus was drawing me to him. I felt like the Samaritan woman that Jesus met at the well (John Chapter 4). St. John 4:13-14 says that ‘Jesus answered and said unto her, ‘Whoever drinks of this water shall thirst again, but the whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.’ That experience was true for me.
I graduated from college and God blessed me with a good job and an apartment. I will never forget the night Jesus saved my soul. I was lying in my bed and I could not sleep. I began to sing the song, ‘Speak Lord, Speak to Me’. I knelt down on my knees and prayed. Jesus saved my soul that very night.
Although saved, I was still not whole. I was still carrying those feelings of rejection, insecurity, bitterness, etc. There was so much in me that was not of God. I pray to the Lord always to create in my a clean heart and renew a right and new spirit within me (Psalms 51:10). God had been delivering me from all those unclean spirits in stages — not all at once.
This past year I have had many trials, and, at times, I had wanted to give up and die just to be taken away from the pain, so that I would not have to hurt anymore. Satan thought he had me dead each time. But Jesus came for me each time and delivered me right on time. Second Corinthians 12:9 says, ‘And he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ God allowed me to suffer so that he could draw me closer to him. II Corinthians 4:17-18 says, ‘For our light affliction, which is for but a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but the things which are not seen.’ In the midst of the pain and the tears, I kept praying and crying out to God, keeping myself in his Word. Each time he comforted me and dried my tears away. St. John 14:18 says, ‘I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.’ I feel that the trials I have gone through have indeed made me stronger in the Lord, and have drawn me closer to him. Romans 8:28 says, ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’
I love Jesus so much and I just thank him for all he has done for me. He never fails. Jesus has had to reach very low to pick me up. In doing so, he continues to prove his love for me over and over again. It it like he had to keep drilling me, saying, ‘Angela, I love you so much that I gave my life for you, I would have died if it was just for you alone.’ And that is what he says for each of us. You see, I had a problem with rejecting and condemming my own self. But I praise God I feel that way no longer for I know he loves me and how much. I thank him for looking at me through merciful eyes. Jesus has turned my entire life around.
On June 27 of this year I went to a Woman’s Conference at Virginia Beach and it was there that Jesus performed a Sabbath miracle for me. He touched me, all of those broken places and made me whole. Mathhew 9:20-22 says, ‘And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.’ He uprooted those things from the past that I had covered up so that he could gently heal me.
I can never repay and thank Jesus enough for what he has done for me, but what I must do is serve and love him with all my heart, my soul, and my strength. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, ‘And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.’ I must continue to worship and praise him, and be a witness for him. Nobody can love you, comfort you, and hold you like Jesus can. He is the only one who can heal you and make you whole, for he is the restorer and lover of the soul. God is hurt at the thought of our brokeness. Jeremiah 8:21 says, ‘For the hurt of the daughter of my people am I hurt I am black astonishment hath taken hold on me.’ He wants us to surrender all to him, and to trust him completey, and look through the eyes of faith. He wants us to allow him to wash and cleanse us from sin (in other words, anything that is not pleasing to him). He wants us to allow him to use us to help build his kingdom, and to be those chosen vessels that he wants us to be.
He wants us to love him totally. Indeed he gave himself totally for our lives. Jeremiah 31:3 says, ‘The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’